Not yet and the hardest "no"
Happy May!
May is such a busy time for us both as teachers and as a family. Mary's birthday fell right on Mother's Day and we had a couple of rain days to delay celebrating her fourth birthday, but we finally got the chance last weekend to give her a super hero party. It was almost as delightful and she is. I cannot believe the way time passes when you are marking time by a child. It is incredible.
Anyway... I wanted to take a break from the celebrating and the cleaning up and the grading and the exam writing and the occasional sleeping to update ye ol' blog on our adoption.
I was talking with a friend at Mary's birthday party the other night and she asked if we have any sort of a timeline. It is a question I am asked a lot. We can guess that we should be able to match within a 6-12 months because we are fairly open... we are not selective about race or gender or anything of that sort and are open to children up to three years old... and we are using a multi-attorney/agency approach in multiple states. Once we are chosen, the baby could be due anytime between 0-6 months... or the baby could be already born. In other words we are hoping-to-expect a baby sometime between tomorrow and a year from now.
Adoption is such a great teacher for giving up control.
Anyway... I wanted to take a break from the celebrating and the cleaning up and the grading and the exam writing and the occasional sleeping to update ye ol' blog on our adoption.
I was talking with a friend at Mary's birthday party the other night and she asked if we have any sort of a timeline. It is a question I am asked a lot. We can guess that we should be able to match within a 6-12 months because we are fairly open... we are not selective about race or gender or anything of that sort and are open to children up to three years old... and we are using a multi-attorney/agency approach in multiple states. Once we are chosen, the baby could be due anytime between 0-6 months... or the baby could be already born. In other words we are hoping-to-expect a baby sometime between tomorrow and a year from now.
Adoption is such a great teacher for giving up control.
But we are moving forward. We have been so so so impressed with our adoption adviser, Katie at Purl Adoption. I couldn't recommend her more. She helped us edit our profile and find ethical agencies and attorneys that we could sign up with, who don't charge high up-front fees to be on their waiting lists. We have had numerous emails and phone calls about possible adoptions and she couldn't be more helpful with the process.
In the last couple of months we updated our profile and printed the books and sent a half a dozen or so packages to attorneys and agencies who hold them until a young woman or couple comes in and is looking for the right family for their baby. We have presented our profile now to four expectant mothers and although we have not been the right family for anyone (...yet) it has felt like a ton of progress from presenting our family to four in four years! We are trying to be patient. We are expecting to hear at least dozen "no's" before we get a "will you be our child's parents?"
Five years ago before we went through the adoption process, hearing "no" so frequently, I think I would have felt rejected. Like there is something wrong with our family or that we were not good enough if we weren't chosen. I would have poured over what we maybe had said in our profile or about which pictures turned them off. I would have over analyzed that we aren't as attractive or have as nice a house or it wasn't clean enough or something as other families. Now, I realize that the more real we are the more we will represent what our family looks like. That we will be chosen when a woman making an adoption plan sees the specific kind of love our family has and thinks that is exactly what she wants for her baby. We only want the children that God wants for our family and we only want those persons who are going to feel comfortable with our family - as we really are.
Putting that all in perspective has helped me appreciate the "no, the expectant mother has chosen another family" without the ego hit. I remember God's providence and that we were not meant to be that child's parents. With each we have prayed for this baby and this first family - that they choose what is best for them. And sometimes, that is not us. So we accept the no and continue the wait. Sometimes the acceptance comes with tears, but I think that too is part of the process.
I knew that the feeling of rejection would come and that I would have to temper it in humility. I knew I would be way more attached to my phone and email for updates than I am comfortable with. I knew that and I prepared emotionally for it.
But the hardest "no" so far, was the one I didn't consider.
A couple of the cases that we have received were from agencies we were not signed up with, but that were passed along because they did not have enough hopeful adoptive parents to present to. In two of these cases that we considered they were babies who were already born. And they had likely significant and ongoing special needs.
Any child that is a part of our family will be loved and cherished. If children with special needs were born to us or if we found out that one of our children required special care, we would drop everything and give them the best care available to us. We would love them. Period. But, this is where adoption is different. In adoption, you are given the choice - do you want to pursue special needs adoption?
So it wasn't in hearing no, but it was saying no to those babies, and to one in particular, that was the hardest part. We prayed. We considered. We called our pediatrician friend and those we knew who knew adoption. We would probably need to move to an accessible house. I would need find a way to stay home and still help financially support our family...
So I told the agency worker through my shaking voice and with tears falling from my cheeks that "we are not in a place to pursue a child with special needs". The next day, in prayer I heard very clearly what I have told myself several times in the last couple of months: "We are not meant to be that child's parents".
This weekend I heard back from the wonderful and caring agency workers that they did find that child's parents.
Praise God for all of his consolations in this time of waiting.
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| The books we have left to send out. We used Mixbook - if you need a project get a coupon here! |
Five years ago before we went through the adoption process, hearing "no" so frequently, I think I would have felt rejected. Like there is something wrong with our family or that we were not good enough if we weren't chosen. I would have poured over what we maybe had said in our profile or about which pictures turned them off. I would have over analyzed that we aren't as attractive or have as nice a house or it wasn't clean enough or something as other families. Now, I realize that the more real we are the more we will represent what our family looks like. That we will be chosen when a woman making an adoption plan sees the specific kind of love our family has and thinks that is exactly what she wants for her baby. We only want the children that God wants for our family and we only want those persons who are going to feel comfortable with our family - as we really are.
Putting that all in perspective has helped me appreciate the "no, the expectant mother has chosen another family" without the ego hit. I remember God's providence and that we were not meant to be that child's parents. With each we have prayed for this baby and this first family - that they choose what is best for them. And sometimes, that is not us. So we accept the no and continue the wait. Sometimes the acceptance comes with tears, but I think that too is part of the process.
I knew that the feeling of rejection would come and that I would have to temper it in humility. I knew I would be way more attached to my phone and email for updates than I am comfortable with. I knew that and I prepared emotionally for it.
But the hardest "no" so far, was the one I didn't consider.
A couple of the cases that we have received were from agencies we were not signed up with, but that were passed along because they did not have enough hopeful adoptive parents to present to. In two of these cases that we considered they were babies who were already born. And they had likely significant and ongoing special needs.
Any child that is a part of our family will be loved and cherished. If children with special needs were born to us or if we found out that one of our children required special care, we would drop everything and give them the best care available to us. We would love them. Period. But, this is where adoption is different. In adoption, you are given the choice - do you want to pursue special needs adoption?
So it wasn't in hearing no, but it was saying no to those babies, and to one in particular, that was the hardest part. We prayed. We considered. We called our pediatrician friend and those we knew who knew adoption. We would probably need to move to an accessible house. I would need find a way to stay home and still help financially support our family...
So I told the agency worker through my shaking voice and with tears falling from my cheeks that "we are not in a place to pursue a child with special needs". The next day, in prayer I heard very clearly what I have told myself several times in the last couple of months: "We are not meant to be that child's parents".
This weekend I heard back from the wonderful and caring agency workers that they did find that child's parents.
Praise God for all of his consolations in this time of waiting.
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