Reframing the Wait

re-frame: to adapt one's perspective of a situation and give it a new lens

In a lot of ways for me, studying philosophy was like continually recognizing realities that are obviously true, but that I had never stopped to consider. One of those basic ideas came from the great Fr. Sokolowski; namely, that we only see from our current perspective. In order to get a full view on what is real, I must view the thing from other angles.

This is so helpful on a human level - it is the basis of empathy. And in adoption it is essential. My experience of adoption as a mom is different from my daughter's experience of adoption. Both of those are unique from her birth family's experience. One adoption, one reality, but with three unique perspectives-each valid and sometimes with contrary feelings. Understanding those perspectives help us to understand each other and give us the ability to love each other well.   

A few years ago I read a book on parenting that takes this idea and applies it to how we parent children called The Danish Way of Parenting. (I only halfheartedly recommend this book, or any parenting book for that matter, but take what makes sense and leave the rest). Anyway, the author uses this idea of reframing to help ourselves and our children to reconsider their perspective in frustrations or difficulties in a different light. From "I can't do this" to "I can't do this, yet". From labeling toddlerhood as "terrible twos" or calling it the "boundary pushing age". That sort of thing. 

I have been doing a lot of reframing this week. It is our last week of the summer vacation and we were really hoping for and, candidly, very specifically praying for a summer placement so we could have the time and space to plan for a new baby without having to also do last minute, potentially long term sub plans. Teaching is an awesome profession in so many ways, but it is twice as much work to miss a day let alone a few weeks - especially unexpectedly. 

In growing one's family the normal way, you find out that you are expecting and then you find out the due date and have several months to plan for the contingencies of when and where and who is going to teach your classes while you are gone. If you are trying to grow your family in adoption, like many things, it is precisely backwards. We begin with the due date, try not to start thinking about contingencies (yet), and then find out whether we have been chosen to be part of her adoption plan. 

After three really close "no's" in the past few weeks I have been pretty emotionally exhausted from not being good at not planning for the contingencies based on the due dates and where we would travel and how long we would be there and whether it was a girl or a boy. I spent too much time on vacation looking at flights and drive times and hotels that were never to be used. But, as often happens, my hopes for an easy (ish) transition to a family of four on my schedule were not God's plans for our family. He is really good at showing me that the hard is worth it-if I learn to pay attention. 

At the beginning of this week I was kind of on the struggle bus between the hard "no's" and the impending end of our summer break (and a leaking dishwasher and ruined kitchen floors and a flat tire... but all of that is another story). As I was running an errand with our daughter one afternoon I realized that this will probably (...hopefully) be her last summer as an only child. So my perspective shifted and we reframed. We did all of the things that I would probably not be able to do with a newborn... 

We had momma and daughter date at a little tea room down the street... 

tiled the kitchen floors... 

drove out to the beach on a Wednesday after work (and stayed out way too late)...

I cleaned out all of the clothes and toys in the attic and took them to St. Vincent de Paul... 

went to daily mass... 

spent an afternoon at the Museum of Fine Arts...

slept a whole eight hours in a row...

and we are going out for a date with dancing tonight.

These are the things that I will miss in the early months of life with a newborn and as much as I hope that we get the blessing of a new child soon, this is the lens through which I intend to look at the rest of the wait -- for however long that will be. 

God bless y'all, have a good end to summer. 

Jessi