He Leadeth Us

I am a do-er. I really like to have a certain level of control over things--and if I want something I will probably find a way to make it happen. Or at least fail at the attempt.

I also know that whatever I do should be within the blessed confines of the will of God. I have come to know--not just intellectually, but really know--that God's will is for my happiness and that I won't be as happy following my own will as if I surrender to His. I am so grateful for the Church that helps me to know what is good and what is not within the will of God in my life, in black and white as it were, so that I don't take on any extra burdens or crosses of sin that He doesn't want for me. The law gives me a lot of freedom to do. For instance, I am grateful that IVF was never an option for us, we never carried that burden, that there was no question of the things that we ought not do to grow our family. There were rules, we had the choice to follow or not, our happiness there in black and white. 

Of course, generally we live not only in the black and white, but in the grey areas of choices that we must choose here and now: should I take this job? should we rent or buy? marriage or religious life? teaching high school or finishing my dissertation? spiritual parenthood or adoption? adoption or fostering? scrambled or over-easy?

All of these are good things, objectively they are good and even best for some people. But the questions of our lives are about whether they are good for our family, right here and now. As I have aged and grown in wisdom (lol), I have been able to look into the worlds of other people and recognize that the things that fulfill those right now are not necessarily the things that will fulfill us. I see the instagram accounts or bloggers living on a farm and decorating houses or writing books or traveling the world and I can see that those are beautiful things, but they aren't for us. It would take too much sacrifice of the things that are fulfilling us right now. The life lived simply in our little yellow house, with a community of like-minded friends who show up for soup suppers during Lent or for a glass of wine or for dinner because they were in the neighborhood. A life of reading books aloud as we travel around Texas, or at home after dinner and poetry with breakfast. A life of teaching in my dream school during the school year and playing unrelentingly with my sweet toddler in the evenings. A life of evening prayers as a family and mass each week at our lovely parish. This is where we live our life. 

But those things we would be willing to sacrifice for-- that we must discern whether they are in God's will--those things, those things are the choices in which one must ask "am I pushing my own will or am I just working hard to let God help us?" those are the good things that get us tied in proverbial knots. Is it me being a self-willed do-er or is this God's will? Adoption, uniquely born of out tragedy and yet the archetype of redemption, is one such knot. One must be a do-er to adopt. 

Last Lent I read Walter Ciszek's spiritual memoir He Leadeth Me, in which he so accurately described the process of this agonizing over his own desires and the will of God. He felt, on the one hand, that he should stay in Poland to care for those who were already in his care and, on the other, that he should covertly enter into mission territory in Russia.  He says,

I turned to prayer, but my mind was in such turmoil, my intellect so actively involved in weighing reasons pro and con, that I could not hear the voice of God 

Fr. Walter: He gets me. 

Tim and I have been discussing whether we should widen the scope of our search for our future children, to seek out an ethical agency or consultant so that our profile can be made available to more expectant mothers seeking to place their child for adoption. But, we are not likely to be able to afford an agency adoption ourselves. Agencies (for very good reason) are expensive. And we (for the reason of being teachers... with student loans) do not have the 30-40k in the bank... despite our efforts to save and debt snowball at the same time (#DaveRamseyWouldNotBeImpressed). On the other hand, our own designated adoption search has been... very slow. And it is becoming more apparent that the waiting we are doing, is really just waiting for a hope that on our current path will probably never come.  

I am the pro-con list maker in the family. I agonize over every choice, but especially ones of such gravity. I have spent months questioning whether I am pushing my will and if God wants us to be a family of three; for Mary to be an only child? If perhaps that is what is best for our family? Jesus was an only child! Small families are every bit as beautiful as large families... Or what if God wants us to, once again, step out in trust?

But if I am the do-er, Tim is the trust-er. For every pro-con list I make, there is Tim saying "if it works out, it was meant to be, if not then it wasn't", which frankly is a sentiment that I find endearing and completely terrifying.  

So we took a page out of Fr. Walter  

I prayed that I might be totally open to God's providence, that I would only trust in him, that like Abraham I would be prepared to follow his call no matter where it might lead, without thoughts of self or doubts or reasons of my own. I wanted to be totally open to God's will, to hear his voice, and to leave self out of it. That was my prayer for guidance. And immediately there came flooding back a sense of peace, that feeling of joy, that confidence in the simple and direct faith expressed in trusting him alone... the validity of a call can be tested--whether it be the call of a vocation or of some new departure within that vocation--by the movements of soul that accompany it... 

We told a few friends. Some family. Our pastor. Not only did we feel the peace and joy of which Fr. Ciszek describes but we heard over and over: "Thank you for letting us help you"

So here we are. We are going to start fundraising again. We were so blessed by so many people when we began our first adoption 3.5 years ago. More details to come. We thank you for walking with us on this journey again. 

Peace & Blessings,
Jessi + Tim + Mary