Why Adoption Is So Expensive

And why I ain't even mad about it.

The question I get most often when we mention that we are hoping to adopt again is: "why is adoption so expensive?" Most people know that adoption is costly, few people know just how expensive it is, and fewer understand where the money goes. Adoption through the foster care system* aside, the approximate cost of adoption in the United States is typically between 25-45k with private and family adoptions often costing less and international adoptions having sometimes significantly greater expense. That is a staggering amount of money, and they are of course on top of the usual expenses that any parent has when bringing a baby home. It is enough to paralyze a couple in fear (ask me how I know). But over the past few years I have learned how, despite the expense each one of the costs associated with adoption is necessary and good. 

So why is adoption so expensive? Here is a breakdown of where the money goes:

1. Legal Fees

First, consider what goes into legally safeguarding an adoption. Domestic adoption is so much more complicated than biological parenthood. The biological parents, the adoptive parents and especially the baby's rights all need to be protected in order to have a healthy and ethical adoption. The most vulnerable person in an adoption and the one whose rights are most important are, of course, those of the child. We are all too familiar with stories of human trafficking and can easily understand why these children need to be protected by the state in order to ensure to the greatest possible extent that they are not treated as commodities. Ever. (Don't even get me started on the injustice of surrogacy, or the sale of embryos but that would be a different post entirely). Each state has different laws for safeguarding the adoption, but some of the necessary safeguards include home studies to be certain that the adoptive couple are suited (psychologically, materially, etc...) to bring children into their home.

We must also think of the rights of the biological family. Imagine that you or your child or niece or whoever becomes pregnant unexpectedly. Imagine that, for whatever reason, she does not consider herself to be in a space to parent to this child in her current state of life. Nevertheless, in a country in which 4 out of 10 unplanned pregnancies end in abortion, she is going to grow and nurture that child for nine months. But not only for nine months; any woman who has given birth understands that she will be eternally connected to that child. In a very real way, that child will always be her child. And yet, if she chooses adoption, she will decide to relinquish her parental rights to another set of parents, who in the eyes of the state, society and the child, will be that child's parents. Doesn't she have the right to make that decision with full knowledge of what adoption--what becoming a birth parent will look like? To freely choose the couple that will raise her child as if he was their own?  And shouldn't the birth father have some say in this, as well? It is imperative for everyone involved that expectant parents are not coerced, that they make this choice with full knowledge and consent. 

And finally, there are the rights of the adoptive parents. Until the child is placed with the adoptive parents by the birth parents, that child is in no way theirs. At the adoption finalization, the child has a new family--a new mom and dad. We heard that our child is ours "as if she was born to us". That is important, too--that when the birth parents relinquished their parental rights, that there is another set of parents to completely and totally take all of the responsibilities of parenthood. Everyone in the adoption triad depends on that. That we become a new family with all of the responsibilities of caring for and making decisions for our family. We are adoptive parents, it is true, but it is important for the whole family, that we are mostly just parents. 

Good, ethical adoption lawyers are an important--vital even--in making sure that all parties are protected, but most of all ensuring that the child's interests are protected.  Adoption can and should be a beautiful witness of the love of two families for the child that connects them. But if the paperwork is not done perfectly--or if any of the parties are misrepresented--lives can be ruined. If you have heard stories of coercion or of children being taken from their homes and returned to biological family--it is because something went wrong here.  

2. Birthparent Care

There are a lot of stereotypes of birth mothers, but the only real common denominator for women who choose adoption is that they are coming from some type of brokenness. Children are meant to be born into a family of a mom and dad who love each other and that the child comes from a love and in a place in which they are able to care for them. But at the beginning of every adoption, something has gone wrong. If you can imagine the place of brokenness you would have to be in in order to choose to place your child into another family--that is the place of brokenness in which these birth parents find themselves. And regardless of whatever brings them to the point of deciding that adoption is what is best for their baby--the choice (even if it is the best one) is one that is emotionally so painful. 

Adoption enters into that brokenness. Adoption is all about love, and that love begins with the expectant mother. In an ethical adoption we must care for the psychological and physical health and well being of the birth parents. The expectant mother might have a support system, be able to work or continue at the same school throughout her pregnancy and need minimal assistance. She might have an easy pregnancy with few complications. But on the other hand, the brokenness in which she finds herself might mean that she needs a safe place to live, she might need to have transportation to appointments, and if she cannot work through her pregnancy she might need assistance for utilities and rent. She will need clothing and potentially other types of assistance. Some of these expenses might be covered through social assistance programs or charities or might be unavailable to her. 

Most of all, regardless of the situation, all birth parents should receive counseling both before and post-placement, as well as access to support groups and care. They need to make this most difficult and brave decision with full knowledge and they need to find healing from the brokenness in which they find themselves and peace in the choice that they make. 

3. Medical Expenses

This is probably the one expense that most people understand, because we all know how much health care can cost. If a you are fully insured for pre-natal care and labor and delivery then the expense of having a child is minimal. If you are uninsured, or if your insurance only covers some of your costs, or if there are medical complications then having a child can be quite expensive. It is no different in adoption--if the birth mother is fully covered, then these costs can be minimal, but if she is not then these costs can again vary drastically. Once the child is placed with the adoptive parents, the child is covered under their medical insurance, but until placement, those costs are passed on through the adoption costs. 

4. Agency Fees

An agency generally takes into consideration all of these costs (especially legal and maternal care, some have "pass through" expenses, as well) and determines their own total fee. Agencies generally have their own attorneys and social workers and counselors on their payroll, they know the social assistance program charities and help women navigate those systems to get the help they need. Some agencies might have their own housing and other social assistance programs and support groups for birth families and adoptive families.

Traditionally, an agency would do home studies to approve couples for adoption and women who were in crisis pregnancy situations would come to them to choose an adoptive couple for their child. In an ethical agency, their main role is to care for and walk with the expectant mother. Once they have made a choice of adoption, they interview the prospective birth parents to determine what they are looking for in a family and give them the profiles of adoptive couples that fit their desires for their child. They might also help the adoptive couples make their profile book or video and help them to determine what sort of placements they would be willing to take. Then they arrange the first and subsequent meetings of the expectant and hopeful parents and walk them through the process from meeting, to the hospital accommodations to the post-placement agreements. 

An agency adoption can cost more than a private adoption for these reasons. But there are benefits to using an ethical agency. One is that a birth mother makes the choice of adoption twice; first, when she chooses the adoptive family, and second when she meets the baby. That child is hers, totally and entirely, until she signs her relinquishment after the child is born and places that piece of her heart in the arms of the adoptive couple. In the case in which she changes her mind, whatever the cost of her pregnancy that the agency or the adoptive couple took on is considered a gift. This is as it should be. A woman should never feel as if she owes someone her child because of the assistance given her to bring him to term. In an agency adoption, much of that "gift" is absorbed because that is their primary mission and the hopeful adoptive couple are able to go back into the pile of waiting families.

...A Necessary Cost

The funds that go to adoption go to meet human needs, even the fees (attorney fees, home study fees, administrative fees) are used to employ people who work to help to grow families and serve women in crisis pregnancies. Are there abuses? Yes--there are people who are in it for profit, or who cut corners in order to ensure quick and easy exchange of the baby. Many of the agencies you find in a google search will be some of those. But if you are careful, most agencies, attorneys, and social workers--in fact, every single one I have ever worked with--views their job as a ministry. They are very good at their jobs because their job is their apostolate, their ministry. None of these people are getting rich off of adoption and many are sacrificing time and money to make adoptions work. 

And so here we are, not mad at the cost of adoption, but also unable to cover it ourselves. And so we are asking you to help us to grow our family by supporting us financially, again. We promise that that financial support not only helps us, but we are committed to helping women who have made this most difficult choice and paying the salaries of the people who help them. 

Thank you in advance

and God bless you as always,

Jessi + Tim + Mary

*An epilogue on adopting from fostercare*

To adopt from the foster system is very different than infant domestic adoption. In domestic adoption, the expectant or biological parents decide that they are not in a place to parent children--they choose everything; the family, the amount of contact they want, the way they want it to look in the hospital, etc...
In fostercare, the exact opposite is the case. The state removes the child from the parents and takes away their custodial rights.
The state then gives the parents a plan to help them to get the children back into their custody. This is the primary goal of the state. If the parents are unable or unwilling to meet the plan that the state has set for them their parental rights are involuntarily terminated and the children become wards of the state. Then the state tries to locate relatives or "fictive kin" who would be willing to adopt the children. Finally, if there is no relatives or friends willing or able or adopt the children, the foster parents are generally given the option of adopting the child. The first goal of fostercare is always reunification. There is no such thing as fostering-to-adopt.
In both adoption and in the fostercare system you have broken families who need to be healed and loved. And in cases of severe brokenness, that healing has a severe financial burden. It isn't as if adopting from fostercare is free as much as the expense of adopting through fostercare is covered by our tax dollars. Some states do a better job at this than others. If you know someone who is a foster parent, or someone who works in the beaurocracy of the fostercare system, trying to love these families, give them a hug, offer to babysit, feed them. They are heroes. But we have discerned that God is not calling us to be foster parents right now.